It's happening

Hay, as many of you have seen I've finally reached 60kg. Not just that but in the last 2 days since initially reaching that point I've not been lower than 60kg either.

This is so exciting. I tried to explain on tiktok but I had a time limit, though I'll still try and keep it brief.

I was 7 the last time I was considered a healthy weight. I would go to my hospital appointments and plot my height and weight on the graph and slowly see myself getting further away from the healthy section. Sometimes I'd get close but still never there. My dietitian told me that I needed the weight before puberty or there's a chance it would stump my growth a little. I needed more "building blocks" she would say to me. Which I never did. I should have been at least 6'1 but I'm 5'10. While I'm not ashamed of my height, I like being this tall. But it was disappointing not reaching my full potential. That disappointment will be an ongoing theme.

When I started training I was in great shape. I could max out the leg Prees machine at 50kg and the back machine too. Not to mention because my low body fat I always had my 4 pack abs. Not the 4 you think. 2 of my abs on the bottom left never developed due to surgery I had at 2 days old. Still despite being very very strong for my size I was still skinny. And at this point I was just moved to adult services at castle Hill for my CF appointments. It was there when I stated getting really unwell, getting admitted 4-5 times a year but you guys know all that. But the weight would still be a problem.

I would find my body seems to stop and kinda maintain a certain weight for a few months to a year and it wasn't until I got passed that weight I could gain more weight easier. The first time was at 45kg I had only just got to 5'10 in secondary school but my weight seemed stuck. Then I somehow managed to get to 50kg. I would fluctuate between 49kg and 52kg but never 55kg. Then I reached 55kg and that's where it's been stuck for all my mid 20s.

I would try so hard to gain weight but as soon as I made progress I would get a chest infection, bowel blockages or something out of my control and I would lose all that progress. It killed me. I tried to compensate and stay positive by researching goal setting methods, and sports psychology so it wouldn't make me depressed and I can maintain my positive attitude.

I had my goal of 64kg but I knew I couldn't just do that in a few months so I set smaller goals. First reach 60kg at first I thought that was a reasonable goal. It was only the next natural plato I mentioned earlier. How hard could it be? It was too hard and my team grew concerned. They gave me a few months to gain it or I would need feeding overnight. As you know I failed and it took a big hit to my mental health. I had become incredibly goal orientated and I had fucked it up. They said that the feeding methods like the NG tube or the mic ebutton are designed not to be permanent but many people do become dependent on them. Thst wasn't going to be me. I had to give up karate, boxing, I would have a weird thing sticking out my stomach. I didn't want that life. I had failed once I don't want to fail again. But I did and now I've had a overnight feed for 4 years. I have since learned to live with it, I'm still active. I actually don't mind the button, it's a conversation starter and I don't make jokes about it to hide an insecurity I do generally find it funny I look a bit like an inflatable doll 😅 not to mention I can put other things through it. Don't tell my hospital but if there's a strong shot I can't stand the taste of but I need to catch up at pre drinks. I can just put it through my button. It just goes to the stomach so it's not risky. I'm just bypassing the tongue. Everyone should have one 😅 it also got a price benefit, with the cost of living going up in order to get the same 1500kcal and the 60g of protein it would cost me roughly around £6 per day for life. That's about £2000+ a year for something I can get for free and I don't have to be conscious to take it. I can just sleep and eat at the same time.

The biggest downside is the wire and the load alarm the machine makes. So I do have the rare odd night off if my sleep deprived.

Anyway I was meant to be keeping this brief. I'm just excited I've finally reached my first stepping stone after 8-9 years.

Here my next steps

1. Reach 64-65kg and maintain it

2. Have up to a week without the night feed and see if I can still maintain it.

3. Only take my feed as an extra if I haven't eaten enough during the day.

4. Remove the button. This is just a case of taking it out and putting padding over the wound for a few weeks. Weird I know.

5. Live a happy bigger life and prepare to fight ladies off with a stick for not wanting me while I was skinny.
   

Thanks for reading, I wish you the best on your goals too. Because I can be an example of no matter how unlikely you think a goal can be you can still achieve it if you don't quit.

Take care x