Relationship update (kinda)

Hi guys, just another post of me talking to myself so feel free to skip it if you like.

Before I get to that I want to say I will get round to putting the link on to download my book and finish the page. I just noticed it doesn’t work.

So anyway, the last few months I have been struggling with my love life, I’m not feeling lonely, but I feel like I’m really missing being in a relationship and to be totally upfront, intimate with someone. My last physical thing/ relationship was in June. While she was amazing and without going into too much detail she was recovering from something, and I found that some of the side effects and the lifestyle it may bring was too close to the lifestyle that lead me to falling out of love with Tee and I didn’t want that in my future. On top of that I feel a lot of guilt because I effectively ghosted her after I was dealing with a whole lot, from my parents separating, a family dog passing away, getting up under review at work because I now know was a major burnout from ADHD and still no payments from my ex to pay be back from the debt she put me in (thankfully I have cleared 95% of that now and it will all be clear in a couple of months, I’m still waiting on payments though). I have seen recently she is in a relationship and to be fair it makes me pretty happy. She deserves a good man.

Coming back to the last few months I have had the typical 2-3 matches on tinder that resulted in nothing. I started something with an old friend after we bumped into each other but that got complicated. She was initially a friend with my ex, but they had a big fall out due to tee leaving her outside, drunk with none of her things or even her shoes. We had a night out together and met up again for a drink with her and her dad a week or so later. During that night I had a call from tee in tears asking if I could go with her to another bar. When I explained I was with this other woman she said to bring her along. Tee had been through a horrible break up and I later found out she wanted me to go with her to see if her ex was in the bar. The woman I was asked if she was getting in the middle of anything and I explained that I have no feelings for her and she still wants her ex. Either way she left. Later that night I ended up taking tee home to her house to make sure she was safe because she was in tears and unable to get home herself.

I thought nothing of it until I noticed that before meeting with the woman and her dad, I had told tee I was out and was going to meet someone later that night. I ended up bumping into tee and our friend in the bar I work at. Tee walked up and kissed me and after Meg had kisses me on the cheek. After talking with the guys on the bar my friend Elinore pointed out that I had a huge lipstick mark on my cheek, that I promptly wiped off. I have spoken to a few people about it and they say it was deliberate to mess up any chances I would have had that night.

Despite me washing it off tee still managed to get between us because the next day the woman I was talking to messaged me to call off what we had because she had spoken to tee to see how she was doing and now felt uncomfortable getting any closer with me because she was Tees friend.

Which brings me to recent events. Unfortunately, I have been drinking more frequently and did attempt to start a more “intimate” conversation with tee. My thinking was there must be a reason she seems to not want me moving on, especially she will start random conversations with me about how she looks and I was also the first person (or one of) when her ex broke up with her on new year’s. I was really low that night and was looking for some validation from someone, anyone. I even lied about missing her and missed what we had. You don’t need to have read these posts long to know there is very little I miss about that relationship, and it was something I was hoping to end months before she did. Thankfully for both of us tee explained that she no longer has any feeling for me but misses how close we used to be (maybe we would have still being friends if she didn’t start sleeping with someone a week after our three year relationship ended, all the while still calling me to help her when she was struggling and wanting someone to take her to A&E etc). Nothing came of that conversation, but I feel really ashamed of myself. I feel gross.

Finally, I have started to be in the talking stage with an ex from when I was like 20. Now while that seems positive this ex was extremely toxic and insecure. I don’t use those words lightly. She would hit me regularly not in domestic abusive way, but she knew I was a martial artist and a boxer so she would try to push her limits to seeing how hard she could hit or slap me without actually hurting me. On that note she very rarely actually hurt me, but it did look bad in public. The thing that ended the relationship was her insecurity. Before the relationship I has been intimate with one woman once, but she felt because I knew what I was doing I must have been lying. She would also scratch me while we was physical to the point where it was uncomfortable for me to sit on chair as it would hurt my back scratches. The breaking point came when I had invited her and some friends from college to my flat as a housewarming thing. She decided her invite but was calling and messaging me every few minutes because she thought I would cheat. She had already “broke up” with me a few times and I would apologise and we would make up but that night when she broke up with me, I just said ok and didn’t talk with her again for the 12 years we have been apart.

Since then, she has had two kids and I’m hoping she has changed. That being said she has already stood me up twice so far so right now I’m not very hopeful. But still its someone.

Its no fault of the women around me that always speak highly of me but aren’t interested (that’s not a bad thing most of them are in happy relationships and the only other women I know are int their really early 20’s and they’re a little too young for me), I feel there must be something I’m missing.

Right now, I reek of desperation and loneliness but I’m trying really hard to stay positive and focus on myself. I’m not drinking as much anymore to avoid letting myself down like I did with that conversation with tee.

Oh, and finally (the reason I even wanted to write this in the first place) was because I was thinking about my ex from lockdown, or more specifically noting how little I have thought of her during this period. Previously I would take any little thing as a sign, like a few days ago I got a smell of the same perfume she wore and despite not liking any of my TikTok’s she viewed my profile for the first time since she had got my book. Previously I would think it’s a sign or she would pop into my dreams again for a few weeks. Not now, I just let them pass, unbothered. Which is more confusing considering how highly I thought of her, it was not an obsession. I wasn’t actively keeping her in my thoughts it was more a subconscious thing like remembering things about her and, like I say, the dreams. I’m hoping it is a good sign I have finally lost that ember I spoke about in the blog. I obviously will always care and wish he the best like all my Ex’s but I’m not sure how I feel about it being gone. I have previously said I felt like I’m broken because I rarely get romantic feelings for anyone and she was the first time I not only had them butterflies but also reciprocated the feelings. I’m concerned that that switch has fully turned off now. Especially now that ember has disappeared.

I’m a living paradox, feeling so ready to love but having a extremely low capacity to do so, on top of the typical dating struggles we all face now a days I think I’m just becoming a lost cause.

Im going to look into coping mechanisms too for anyone concerned. Im not a big drinker in general and im not going to be changing that.

Thanks for listening xx