Been a while

Hay everyone, just a quick update. As for my mental health, I'm doing a lot better. Me and tee are still talking but I find she tends to reach out when she's down. We made each other a tiktok kinda finalising us no longer being together but I heard she's taken hers down. She still reaches out when she's feeling low and unlovable, and I usually comfort her and remind her how deeply I loved her. But now I feel doing that is holding her back from actually loving herself as she still seems to look for that in me and flirting and being with other guys. I obviously still love her so much and I would have loved her to ask me to try again but she won't do that. So I'm going to be hard and not comfort her anymore. While I do love her I can't tell her that. I do worry she's just struggling and finds it easier to be out and live a semi chaotic lifestyle. I think being comfortable and safe for too long doesn't feel natural to her. It's not my place to help her now.

She had a few moments she needed to go to A&E recently, she's scared to go alone and asked me instead of her roommates or the guy she's likes. I got to the round about at the top of my road before I decided to put myself first. I hadn't eaten and I shouldn't be around hospitals in general if I didn't have to. It killed me leaving her alone but she wasn't alone. She had people but see still seems to rely on me. If I caved I'd just prevent her from finding the strength to do it for herself. I really hope she's OK but I have to let her go.

One day I'll be in a relationship and I can't be messaging my ex saying how much I wanted to get back together. It's disrespectful. That's why I haven't been dating yet. I'm open to finding new friends and seeing where it goes but part of me is still hold on to Tee. One day I'm going to be over her and I hope she doesn't regret leaving once I've found someone else. Because then it will be too late and my feeling for her would be gone.

Anyway, onto more uplifting things. I'm starting my training tomorrow. Day one. I'm really looking forward to this. I'm so sick of feeling unattractive. I know a few good angles but I still hate my arms, legs and shoulders. I'm trying to be kinder to myself and use better language. My therapist said I wouldn't say those things to someone else so I shouldn't say them about myself.

Still ever way if I get the results I want I'd be over the moon. I don't want to be huge just "normal".

Anyway wish me luck and if any women fancy stealing me up before I become irresistible you better get in touch soon 😅