Im nearly 30. My unfiltered feelings on the subject

I’m 30 (or at the time I’m writing this I will be 30 in like 16 days or so) While it is exciting, and kinda mental I’m leaving my 20s I have been finding myself thinking about the time I have left. This has probably stemmed from drafting my book and dragged up some old thoughts/attitudes of the short life expectancy and the uncertainty. I explained in a TikTok, and in my book, about living itself is like living in a pitch black room with death, and at any moment he will inevitably touch us, and we die. I go on to say we with a short life expectancy we are given an everlasting match. We aren’t granted the liberty of being able to fully ignore death, nor is it bright enough for us to fully know when we will eventually pass away. Thankfully, I haven’t finished editing my book because I want to add to it. Now I’m getting older it seems my match is getting brighter. I’m not saying that I will die soon but I’m more aware that I MAY not have long left. And along with that the thoughts and feelings that come along with it.

Would things be different if I tried harder? (my button was meant to be a 1-2 year thing max, and I still have it. Although on that note I’m quite content with it and I may not get rid of it even when I do meet and maintain my goal weight, I have it if I’m not hungry enough for a late night snack) How long do I have? I know a lot of Cfers that seemed to be doing alright and not met 35. So, do I only have 5? If so, what can I do in that time? What big goals do I want to do? And I already know there are some things that may be too late for me to do already.

(on that note one thing I wanted was making happy memories with a special someone but currently not helped by the fact I’ve secretly been struggling with my relationship. There’s a lot I’m conflicted with, and I need advice. I simply don’t know where to get it from. Tee has been hinting for a year or so about me popping the question. But as it stands, I can’t see myself marrying her right now. There are a lot of things (90% is out of her control, mostly her BPD) that I just don’t want for the rest of my life. If that makes sense. Things have been hard for us financially after she had troubles with holding down a job when we first got together. Again, wasn’t her fault and I don’t hold it against her. It’s just for a long time it hasn’t felt like a relationship. I won’t go into details, but this has ultimately left me conflicted. I believe that soulmates are made and not found but at what point do you consider if that person just isn’t right for you? I have told tee the majority of the issues I have, and she is slowly getting better but its still not where I want it to be in order for me to propose. There are some things that I need to consider might not ever get better. I still love her deeply and she gets on amazingly with my family and I know she loves me. She does care for me in her own way, and one thing with her BPD is I really don’t have to worry about her cheating on me. We do have a lot of happy times and I can see things getting better. Especially now money is less of an issue. As well, I hate the idea of her being alone again, but I don’t want to one day realise I have wasted her or my time and prevented her from finding someone that does want to marry her as she is now. This has been conflicting me for a long time but right now our finances are not just sorted but we are both expecting big raises in the next couple of months so we can actually date again and being more than 2 people that live together. I just hope that feeling isn’t dead, although Daniel Sloss expects it already is. I’m definitely not at the point I secretly hope she dies but if she cheated on me with a wealthy guy with an amazing family and has an on call therapist, I wouldn’t be devastated… (god that sounds bad now im finally writing it down )

Just to point out why this rant was relevant as this was a goal of mine. To build a life with someone and have more then a few years with them before I leave. In an ideal world Tee wouldn’t have BPD and if we met in early 2020 then great 14 years of relationship full of love. And another risk of ending it with Tee is I don’t think I could find someone and build a substantial relationship with in the time I have left. Especially if it took 26 years to fall for someone for the first time. Although Tee wasn’t far behind, meeting her just over a year or so later. Still, that all that is irrelevant. We cant change the past. Just focus on the future.

So that dream of a long relationship isn’t really possible, especially if I end things with Tee. Yet again, I also believe that anytime you have with the right person is ultimately worth it and taking into consideration the potential cure or new ground-breaking treatment I may well be able to have a long and happy relationship after all. You can see what I mean by me being so conflicted. It seems like any point I make for one side or the other I have an equally good counterpoint for the opposite. Its beyond a joke I can’t just make a decision. Our lives have a way of always working out for the best regardless of the decisions we make in the moment, we will one day be living a life that we are happy with. That’s why I don’t live with regrets. It reminds me of Joanna. I can sympathise for her when she was choosing between me and her husband. At the time it seems a huge decision and obviously her life would be massively different if she chose me. But my point is if she chose me, things would have been different , but we would still would have had 4 years’ worth of happy memories and things would have been just as they are now. With equally little regret.

So, we can see that my dilemma is kinda redundant. Yes, things could be easier one way or another in the short term but in the long run she would still find a world of happiness either way. Different but happy. (Apologies I’m gunna go off on another tangent. You can skip this bit if you like. For any movie buffs this can relate to avengers endgame. And not removing the 5 years blip but just bringing them back. Tony showed this the most as reversing the “snap” would lose his daughter. However to be grounded closer to reality the fact of the matter is still we can’t change the past. Sometimes we have to live with these choices even if it can maybe hurt. Like the film cast away. Tom hanks spends 4 years stranded on an island with the one think giving him hope was to return to his partner. When he finally arrives home she has married someone else. But the film isn’t a typical “happy ending” and she stays with her husband. That seems really sad but I imagine she doesn’t regret her choice and if she’s happy he can only be happy for her. People will always find a happy life)

So, the same goes for me. If I leave me and tee will still find happiness again and live a happy life. But I have to choose if I can find that happiness with her. I hope I can)

With all that aside, going back to my anxiety with reaching 30. I’m still an optimist. I have only been researching diabetes for like 4 years and when I first started it seemed to be the case that focus was mainly for prolonging life with the condition rather than cure it. And now there seems to be 3 potential cures or life changing treatment. They seem to be like busses haha. There’s nothing to say that in 5-10 years’ time that might be the case with CF. It’s still one of the big motivators I have. Just keep pushing until that day comes. I’m running a race that I know the finish line is coming but I just don’t know when or if I will even see it in my lifetime. I can’t quit and resting too long will be more strain on my legs. I need to stay focused and push on. I don’t mind passing the finish line, legs shaking, throwing up, dehydrated, and crawling for the last 5 foot. As long as I pass the line. Although if my family, friends, and doctors have anything to do with it, if I can’t walk or crawl, they will happily carry me across. (I’m genuinely tearing up picturing my parents and doctors shouting and cheering for me at the finish while my brothers and sister and the rest of my loved ones hold me up and keep me standing. The sweet thing is they are already holding me up and cheering for me even now). Recently I had kinda broken the law, basically my friend Beth was struggling so I gave her my Kafrio (our CF was denied access for her to have it as its not superficially for her gene type, and I had accidently been given too much stock). It was a no brainer, although it turns out it was illegal for me to do so. It will just keep her in the race until the version of the drug comes out for her gene type and then she can run on her own to the finish line…. Probably with me next to her as well.

Birthdays aren’t really my thing with this one being an exception. But already the amount of people planning and have already confirmed that they want to celebrate the event with me is pretty overwhelming. I’m feeling very loved.

Apologies for the rather depressing post. I may delete the blog section of the site and keep it as just the main site. I’ll update that now and then too. Its just seems redundant. There’s only a few people that read this and even then I can update you all on my other social media.

I’ll think about it. Stay safe everyone and keep pushing forward, it will work out in the end xx