It's for the best

I've finally done it. I think tee is finally gone. I'm not bragging or anything. I literally feel destroyed. I could tell she wasn't herself but rather than doing my normal comforting I doubled down. I hope one day she realises I did it for her happiness.

I think it was a split but I doubt she was drinking at that time in the morning so I don't know if I'm right with that. I've not seen her split before without drink involved. My worse fear is that if it was a split her mental health may be going back to how it was before we got together. She had made soo much progress and I was so proud of her but it's exactly what I mean when I say she scares me. Before we met she almost "lost herself", I don't want to say the words, a few times. I love her so much and it will kill me if that's how she's feeling now. But I can't be her support if I'm not her partner. I'm directly in the way of finding the help she needs not from other people but from a professional. I hope she knows if she's ever feels that way she should call me. If it's that bad even if I haven't eaten in days have to skip gym or if I have to run to her to talk her down I will do it in a heartbeat but unless she actually believes I'm no longer there for her she'll still rely on me.

I hope she doesn't see this because there's a chance she's out of this split or state of mind and see how much I actually care for her still. But I can't see her going this far backwards. Despite what she feels the world will always be better with her in it. Or at the very very least mine will.

She's never coming back and I have to accept that. Hence why I was so cold to her when I'm 90% certain she is struggling internally. It fucking killed me and I have to leave work early to stop myself crying.

Or the other side is she truly does hate me now.

I told her I knows she loved me and was destroyed when she left but literally every choice she has made since has just pushed us further and further apart. We had a secret date that I had to ask her for. I shouldn't have been the one to ask. If she just said can we try again she'd be with me now. I don't feel the break up was necessary for her to find herself. I needed a backbone. We tried a few times to help her with it but I could cave when she asked not to sleep in different rooms or feel bad about going out by myself either to my families or a work do. God forbid I had a night out without her like I let her do countless times. It's like the bowling for soup concert. She was asking why I chose to stay out with vikki. Vikki! She's honestly like a sister. I've got so much love for her but the thought of anything else creeps me out. If tee can't trust me and her best friend then what chance did I have trying to help her with her independence.

Alex told me something that helped. I had three years with her hoping she would get help and I failed massively. Yes she made some amazing improvements having neatly years in between SH incidents or anything worse. She was sleeping with a smile on her face. She was more open to movie nights. I think she lost the balance. Like she thinks my way of her being better meant never drinking or having fun. I was happy for her to have fun without me. I just wanted some more intimacy. We never had silly days. Where we'd build a fort in the living room with ice cream or dance together, or anything even close to romantic. And it was because I didn't say anything. I had to ask for things like hand holding. I couldn't even spoon her, just to feel safe having her wrapped in my arms, without her saying "no rude". That too. I wouldn't inicatate anything in the bedroom because of her endo or she'll be drunk or her periods were bad. But I needed love too. I neglected my needs. So it makes sense tee would see the incident with Beth as a way for me to "get off" when I was just trying to get passed a horrible person in my life. It's probably why she thought I had a crush on 90% of our female friends. She was probably thinking he's not getting anything from me, he's probably trying to get it from them. If only she knew how much I would just talk to them about how I can be better for tee when I was struggling or just bragging about how amazing she was. Not once did I say a bad word about her. She was my everything but she got in her own head she wasn't ever good enough or I could do better.

Either way I don't think she'll see this and will never know I'm doing this for her. But if anyone reading this still hangs out with her, please please don't let her get back to how she was. I need her to be OK.

Anyway I should get back to work. Take care everyone. And be kind to each other.

(I think that's the Jerry Springer ending line 🤔😅)