Just another entry

Hay guys so it's gunna be another personal one so it's probably one you don't need to read.

Recently I've learned that tee has moved on. I'm not going to say to what degree that's not my place to say. She has been great at being upfront and honest with me and feels bad for moving on so quick. I know she doesn't want to lose me as a friend but it's hard right now. I did message her being totally honest about how I was feeling and I know I was a bit cruel in some ways. It's just brought back a lot of what happened with during lockdown. While J went through these steps while we was still talking and probably wouldn't have told me anything tee is single and was upfront. They both went from I need to think or in tees case I think we should try again when she's in therapy in June July. To this could never work and I've moved on. But I still love you. Obviously j has since noted she probably never loved me to begin with. The only two people I have ever loved said they love me but still found love (or a crush) with someone else in less than a month. Neither of them could wait through the tough times. J said we could never work but we never made it out of lockdown to find out. As for tee, you guys have probably read I was debating the relationship for some time. I just needed to give us a fair chance. The money was the biggest problem as a lot of tees worst qualities could have been handled if we had the ability to make up for it when her mental health was better. Typically as of this month I have a big pay rise and tee is in training for a promotion. I feel like I wasn't worth waiting for. I'm well aware that things weren't the best. I just feel like true love is choosing the other person even when things are at the worse. Tee obviously had her issues and she feels it's why we couldn't work. But I know her and I know how to make it better if I wasn't constantly under financial stress due to that shitty landlord at leconfield.

That time was the most stressful I've ever been. I couldn't sleep well, things were breaking around the house I couldn't replace. I had to sell my game consoles and exercise bike non of which was replaced. But tee was my rock. I'm not saying she was perfect. She was far from it. I can't tell you how many times her drinking was not just affecting the relationship but my health too.

I'm grateful she's in regular therapy now. Despite the dreadful circumstances that got her in there.

I hope it helps her. I just feel let down that that's all I needed from her. I gave her a half ultimatum about getting couples therapy or even getting her own therapy but private so she wasn't struggling and only having me and drink to relay on. I just needed her to lift a bit of weight off me. And I guess now I feel let down because say the therapy does work and she works on her insecurities and drinking. She's going to live happily with another man. She did the one thing I needed her to for a guys she's been hanging out with for less than a month.

I feel like Eleanor in the good place when she finds her mom has truly changed. But just couldn't or didn't want to change for her. It's bitter sweet. I would love her to have the tools to suppress her demons (as unfortunately they will probably never go away) and live a happy life with probably a couple of cats a cute dog. Being able to see her friends and have cozy nights in after a night out during the weekend. It's like J. She's literally living the life I envisioned for us just not with me. It's beautiful and fucking painful at the same time. As they years have gone on I can appreciate that for J and that's why I'm still going to care for her but that's it. And now I see the same thing is going to happen with tee.

I know I will find someone. I just find it hard to love and I hate to sound down but I kinda wish I would have found my person sooner so I could have more time with them. Not that I'm not grateful for the time and lessons with J and Tee. I just needed someone that would choose me.

Anyway it's weird writing about this again because for the new readers this site was originally a series of monthly letters about my feelings about the end of my relationship with J. That only changed because J had found it and would visit the site often. It's why I'm glad tee doesn't read this now. I know she's visited since we broke up but I doubt she will want to after what's happened.

I would love her to ask me to come back and try again but it's never going to happen and I need to accept that. I'm going to work on being myself and hopefully getting a bit fat. Heartbreak seems to do the trick. So if I get unwell again can someone point me in the direction of a woman that breaks hearts for fun. Hopefully she can get it sorted in a week or so, so I can crack back on with gaining weight without spending too much time

Anyway this is it for me for now. Be safe