Just overthinking (don't have to read this one)

Hay guys, just another lil rant to get some "thoughts on paper" so you don't have to read this.

So a few day ago, tee has started messaging me more often to let me know her progress with everything and I am genuinely so so proud of her. I'm so happy she feel better about her body and proud of the progress she's made and for now I fell she's done that in a very healthy way. It can better unhealthy but that doesn't seem to be the case yet so it's all great. She's also got a mental health team now support her, and her new therapy is starting soon. Also our friend lily is supporting her now and she's been a huge positive influence in her life.

The conversions developed into something intimate should I say and we have continued to talk since but not like that. The reason I'm writing about it was I've been dwelling on some of the things she said in this time.

Firstly, I mentioned about feeling down when I'm not at the gym and struggling still with the breakup. She seemed genuinely shocked and apologetic about it. Like she didn't know that I still miss her deeply and have feelings for her. I have been trying to distance myself from telling her these feelings because she moving on and is talking to other guys (my friend showed me some tiktoks she reposting and I'm sure she really likes someone else). When I say about our relationship ending she gives the same response but her other comments seem like she misses me too and would have liked to make it work.

Hence why I can't say I wanted/want that too. 1 because she keeps falling out with this other guy and the timing of our conversations seem to be while she's not speaking to him, and 2 because while she's made some great progress and is on track of really addressing and working on her issues and mental health it's still new. She seems to be flipping between me, and the other guy or maybe someone she hadn't mentioned. And if I told her I wanted to get back together and she says yes, I don't want her flipping and wanting someone else later and hurt me all over again.

Also during the intimate conversations she threw me off with a few comments and it's been stuck in my head since.

We spoke about initiating and said I should have been more assertive but the reason I didn't was because she made it clear at the start she had some trauma around certain acts and due to her possible endo it would hurt to do others. It's like she forgot I was simply following her boundaries.

I asked what she would like and she said something I that totally opposed these boundaries. Maybe she's comfortable with these acts now or maybe it was just something she said in the heat of the moment. Part of me is overthinking because if she is comfortable with these now she's likely done that with this other guy or someone, and it hurts that she wouldn't do that with me while we was together.

It's like our other friends had a relationship end because they did an act that was established as a boundary not to cross and it did bring up past trauma so she ended the relationship. But if he learned that she now was not only doing that act now but also telling him that he should have just been more assertive then that would be infuriating and confusing (thankfully this isn't the case in that situation and I have already said too much. This is their business so I'm not speaking about it anymore)

It also reminds me of the lack of attention to my needs during the relationship. I'm not sure if I have selective memory but I can't remember when she would ever actively ask or try to fulfil my needs in the relationship.

Basically I'm really confused. Is she just talking and flirting with me because it's not going smoothly with this other guy or does she genuinely miss me. Do I think bringing her back would be the healthiest decision for me or am I just letting love cloud my judgement.

I said to my brother that while I love all the progress she's made, the gym work, the independence, the therapy etc was everything I was asking her to do while we was together. If she had done this in February while I was finally out my depression I can imagine how amazing we would have been now. Non of this stuff with the other guy, tigger would still be with us. And tee would have all the benefits she has now but with me with her too. It's really bittersweet.

And like I say her attitude about the conversion about getting back together seems to be like I've moved on and I'm not interested but she doesn't realise I would have taken her back if she had just asked me. Just once.

Like when she started struggling when I gained weight after we first broke up. Instead she chose to drink. When I said after she I'll first slept with the other guy I said I wanted to marry her, her response was she needs to find happiness being single and she didn't like the fact I made my feelings clear "after I lose her" as in, in her eyes I had already I lost her. So why is she surprised I'm trying to move on. She was the one to say I lost her not the other way around. Or even recently when she said she always sees me as the one she was going to spend her life with, I did break and admitted I felt the same way, but instead she said it is what is it. It's all so confusing.

So right now to stop myself getting hurt again I'm going to keep distant. I don't want to get my hopes up for her to flip again and chose to be single and happy with this other guy etc. I have a feeling deep down she doesn't know what she wants but is happy to see how it goes. That's not a bad thing and I don't judge he for it. I feel I should do the same. If she wakes up one day and feels she wants me. Not because I support her unconditionally, or because it didn't work with the other guy or guys, or even because she feels nobody would love her as much as I did. Then yeah, I'd love to try again but until we're sure on any of that I can't put myself through the pain again.

If anyone reading this actually knows us in person. Please don't tell her about any of this. It will just confuse us both. It needs to be her wanting to come back because she feels she can give me what I need and loves me truly (it'd not love if she has feelings for someone else) and not to mention if she's in a good place mentally and physically. If you tell her I want her back. She would see me as the easy/safe option. I'm not an option, I'm a man that wants the love I deserve and I'm willing to fight for. I'm not the best looking but I'm far from ugly. I dare say I'm pretty hot sometimes. But mostly importantly I'm happy to brag about how much love I can give, the memories I can help make, the support I can give, I can't promise you'll never have dark times again but I can promise you that you'd never go through them alone, I will work for your hopes and dreams if you help with mine.

I'm happy to brag about who I am. If tee or someone else has to think if that's something they want then that's their choice. But I want someone that doesn't have to think about it.

Take care everyone. I want you guys to think about what you deserve. If they're not fighting to help you, to fulfil your dreams, to support you when you're down, etc. Then why are you with that person? You can do better I promise you that.