Ponderings

Hay guys, firstly I want to thank you all for your support and views on the blog. For years the only person to visit may or may not have been my Ex. Who coincidentally hasn't visited around the time the blog started getting regular views. I've had visits all over the world and it means a lot.

So first with the good news. My weight is just under 61kg now and is maintaining if not increasing at a healthy rate. I think if I can maintain this increase I may be 65kg at the end of the year. Not only that but I've been selected as a ambassador for my local gym. I applied to give myself more discipline and accountability to carry on training after the programme has finished with Ben. So I will be posting at least on a 2 weekly basis from now on. I can't wait to show you all the results of my training.

Now for the kinda down part. So if you're feeling good and motivated you should probably stop reading now 😅

Effectively I still have these down periods and anxieties. Granted its decreased since training due to the natural endorphins and general mental health benefits of training but I still have the odd down day or two.

This particular time I have started dwelling on purpose and life as a whole. Something I had often struggled with. I feel I need to find a greater purpose. I have started praying and for a while I was going to church by myself in hull. I have a wonderful family and friends all of which I have become closer too now I'm no longer depressed. Although because of gym and my schedule I don't really have the time to see them as much as I like. I have 1 friend that we're looking for a dance class to do together. She's been really supportive too and thankfully I've helped her get back in touch with my now ex as they cared for each other and now their situations are better they can support each other better than before. Anyway. Despite all this I've been struggling to find meaning to it.

Like I have an amazing life and with my training I'm literally adding years onto my life expectancy so I have more time to enjoy it. But right now something isn't clicking. I'm finding myself feeling empty and alone. Like I find myself thinking why am I doing all this work. Fighting so hard just to continue having to fight. I'll still have no days off where I'm cured of cf. Yes there will be things that make it easier if I carry on. Not needing to do my feed every night would be a blessing. Not having to eat for fuel but actually fall in love with food again would be wonderful, and something that is very achievable now.

But still I find it's like when I first lost contact with j after it ended. I would wake up depressed, have to do my meds, clean the house etc. For the SOLE reason to do it all again tomorrow. I wasn't thinking of ending it, because as you know I have a fear of death but simultaneously I felt life had no meaning and I was just draining myself for nothing.

Like Sisyphus I was pushing my boulder just so I could carry on pushing the next day. I couldn't rest because the risk of my boulder falling back down was too risky.

Then I feel guilty because I love my family and friends and I can't give up on them either. Giving up will also mean literally having a 0% chance of finding that meaning eventually. At least if I continue to fight there's at least a chance to find it.

For me I think that the thing I'm missing is love. I have plenty of platonic love but I want to find someone to love for the rest of my journey.

The happiest I've ever been was when I was in love with J and Tee (until I got depressed). I remember with J falling asleep till 1-2 then waking up at 5 just to get her morning text. If you ever spend long enough time with me you will know sleep is very important to me but I didn't mind because I was waking up just so I can talk to them. See what the day brings knowing they was there to share it with me. It goes back to when I was struggling with tee too. For a long time during that period when I would question my relationship with tee, she would smile at me (I've mentioned this a lot) but my heart would melt seeing her smile at me for seemingly no reason. Looking back my whole outlook on life would change at that moment. Like this is someone I want to marry because if she can bring me back with just a smile then I'm in good hands.

Anyway they wasn't meant to be.

Now I'm not saying love is the key to completing everyone. Just maybe me. I highly recommend Daniel Sloss's show jigsaw. He explains this like the title gives away a jigsaw. We have a jigsaw of our lives with sections being different fundermental things in our lives. We also have no idea what the picture is. The four sides represent; work, hobbies, family, and friends. Now as we go through life we may change these around a bit like a job may take up more piece's or you may lose people that may leave a gap permanently. Then there's the centre piece. The thing that makes it whole. His dad explained that this was love. Like his dad's love for his mom. She came into his life and completed his jigsaw. Daniel saw that as if you didn't have love then you will never be complete. This he goes on to explain isn't the case. It will be different for each individual and then says about the risks of trying to fit someone else's piece's into your jigsaw that clearly don't fit. Again I recommend you watching it for yourself to explain better.

I have looked and tried so many different things to find my centre piece's. All of which fit better in the other side of the jigsaw. The only time I felt complete was when I was in love. Yes the only two people I fell for did require me to move piece's about. Like with tee had no choice to leave mission to find a better paying job so I could support us during the shit with the landlord. Or not being able to talk to certain friends because of tees insecurities. Or J being so far away etc.

I would never force people into my jigsaw if I can't get an idea of that bigger picture. Hence why I was fully ready to marry J and tee. It's also why I'm going to be single a long time.

I'm demi so dating apps don't really work on me. They're faces to me. Very few women have an bio or promps that appeal to me with the majority not having a bio at all. I can't even see myself dating these women.

It's such a bizarre concept that there's a stranger out there that one day will be my wife. Someone that will complete my jigsaw and I don't even know her name.

So yeah, that's where I'm at. I feel empty and no motivation but don't want to end it but also can't find someone for me to love because my standards are rightfully too high. Fun times ay. And yes self love is important but if I get these bigger arms then I have all the self love pieces I need 😅

Wish me luck and if anyone secretly has a crush on me, tell me. Wayyy to many women have admitted to having a crush on me until after there were over it. Oh and don't be discreet. I'm clueless to when women are flirting with me too 😅