Late night wonderings (don't have to read)

Hay guys just a hopefully small ramble this time. Again more just me writing down my thoughts and feelings as a bit of an outlet. To be honest Im not sure why I chose to write these on a blog rather than a diary or something. I think when it was about the break up/ separation it was more a way that some chosen friends and family could read to see how im doing and eventually be like a future self help thing like Ive spoken about before on here on various pages.

Anyway I don't think anyone would necessarily benefit much from reading this unless (and I hope you don't) relate to this.

So I'll just crack on. Especially I'm feeling lost. Well, maybe not lost but like something is missing. Its not so much feeling unfulfilled but thats the closest I can kinda describe this feeling. Or lack there of.

Basically, I've been using my walk to work as a little mindfulness opportunity and often I feel really grateful. Beverley seems like the place Ive been looking for my whole life. Im surrounded by cows, horses, even an alpaca farm; but I'm still urban enough thats there's a "big tesco" and a ASDA. There's no chavs anywhere, and I even live about 5 minutes away from a small cinema. Plus I'm currently learning about the local history, that I love studying in my spare time. The center is very very dog friendly but still clean, and on top of that im still 20 minutes drive away from my family (mostly to stop my mum worrying and my Dad feeling like he'll never see me). I'm sure my siblings wouldn't mind a little trip away if I did find myself in Northern Ireland a few years ago or if I find somewhere like Scotland or wales etc.

My house is small-ish but perfect for me (this doesn't sound the best but if anything was to happen between me and Tee, I could still just about afford everything myself if needs be) the garden has flower patches and a secret wooded area in the back and a little shed/cabin Im going turn into a bit more of a cabin rather than a shed.

Long and short of it I'm living the life I promised myself in lockdown, the life I've always wanted. But I feel there's something missing. I appreciate how amazing my situation is. Like I say you'll usually see me smiling like a idiot and saying good morning to people on my way to work and I genuinely do feel happy and excited about the memories I'm going to make here. It's just now and then I don't feel like I'm me. Like I'm in a shell of someone with all these things. I've felt like this a lot over the years. Like its myself that I've lost. Like I don't know who I am.

Perhaps its because of all these big changes. From getting assessed for the transplant list, being in college, training 7-9 times a week, chronically single and working on myself and moving out of my parents house to live alone for the first time to be living the life I am now. Im healthy, I'd say happy because I am kinda, and I'm thriving. Financially Im still waiting to get sorted properly because unfortunately Tee lost her job at the beginning of month and today a woman cut in front of me on a roundabout and took off my front bumper (we're fine and my dashcam showed she was at fault, she wasn't indicating and speeding). But we're still away off paying back my brother for the money we borrowed last time she lost her job.

The situation with tee sounds bad on paper, but she is very professional and is very good at what she does. Initially it was she had some time off sick with undiagnosed celiacs disease and this time unfortunately the company she worked for went bust. As frustrating as it is I know it's not her fault but I do find myself feeling a bit of resentment towards her now and then with her spending habits and general "maintenance". I sound like a prick wording it like that but I don't know how else to put it. I've had to put off spending £15 on a haircut 3 times since we've been together and spent next to nothing on the van. But in one go she spent over £250 getting very high quality and professional hair exertions done, and then there's all the money on clothes for a new job or because she doesn't have a summer wardrobe etc. And in fairness its true. While she brought a very large suitcase of clothes with her I brought 2 and a half suitcases, 2 boxes of shoes and I threw out a lot of my "hospital clothes" because aside my work clothes I've had everything else for years and just never got rid. But anyway money is a bit crap again but she's already on her second interview for a new job with a even higher wage than mine. Its remote from London so she's effectively getting London wage with Beverleys cost of living.... definitely not complaining about that 😅

Anyway, getting side tracked there. Like I say, I feel like I shouldn't just feel happy with my life right now but something more. Right now I don't know what's wrong. After writing it down I can see that my psychologist said Im a very goal oriented person. If I promis you something or I want something I usually get it done. Like Joanna (I may as well just say her name now. Its been 3 years and I mention her a lot) I made a lot of promises to her, but I could see that from her point of veiw I lived in a tiny rented flat, just a student living on benefits and I don't think I even had a licence at that time, and I was there's dream of and "planning" all these trips and adventures, features for our home and the dog we wanted. I don't blame her for her head choosing the other guy. I never doubted her reasoning. But I knew what I was capable of to the point it was a week or two later I was offered an interview for an IT role in Belfast that was remote to allow me to find a place over there while working. I knew rough areas and costs to move and even already had a place lined up I could have stayed for a month if needs be. I knew the promises I made wasn't empty. I wouldn't be pushing myself or changing too fast that it would put my health or well-being at risk but how could I tell that to a woman that already loved a man that could give her that life immediately.

For goodness sake, side tracked again. What Im getting at is I've always been goal oriented and now Ive done 90% of my lifes goals. All that's left is to go out and adventure, and build memories. Perhaps I just need a new goal a new "unachievable" feat that I can work on. I'd love to maybe open that speakeasy one day, but apart from saving up and building a business plan what's there to do that it's jumping the gun and be a pointless waste of time. Like looking for locations and building a cocktail menu.

I'll leave it here. Ive been writing this a little while and it nearly 2 in the morning.

So yeah, goodnight everyone. Sleep well xx