Let me cook

As you know my mental state has been shattered recently and I know if I didn't do something to push me forward I would probably wind up in hospital or worse. It was a narrow margin after contact ended with J.

So, I have done something that I feel won't only get me through this period in my life but potentially change it forever.

I spoke about my poor self esteem being my biggest flaw and weakness and has been for years. Well friday I spoke to an old friend Ben.

Now Ben is a hugely successful trainer, former fitness model and all round amazing guy that has inspired me for years.

We got talking and I'm so pleased I've made it through 2 applications and an interview to be confirmed a space on his summer training programme. We will be working together to finally achieve the body I can look at in the mirror and be happy with. I don't want to be huge, I never have and maintaining that is unrealistic. I'm thinking more Harry Styles size maybe a bit bigger but not much and I'm aware making that much progress will be a couple of years of hard work.

I'm not doing this to be more attractive to others. When I was with Tee I just cared what she thought and I was content with that, aside the issues I mentioned in the last post.

So now I'm due to start the 2nd week in May. I won't do my usual downfall and unload a before pic. Even though I'm confident I WILL see results. So the next time you see a shirtless picture of my body just know its something I will be proud of.

I'm happy I can drive this pain from hate to motivation. It's isn't in my nature to hate anyone and I can't claim to hate her either. I just need to forget about her and move on. Hopefully loving myself for who I am. Mistakes and all.

Wish me luck x