My CV

So as is it sounds I have finally accepted I need to move on.

I've just had a nightmare about her and the relationships she's pursuing and I just don't want to hurt anymore. Part of me still wants her back but I can't do that to myself. I know she'll find someone that can truly make her feel loved as much as I tried. There will always be love her but I feel I'm ready and deserving of finding a love too.

I don't want a rebound or to sleep around. Part of what's hurt is because I haven't even looked at another woman since tee left me a few months ago.

See, since my health improved the first time (before lockdown) I felt I was ready to find someone to love and spend my life with but everyone I knew was already paired off. So I went on naked attention not really thinking it would work but to find more people to know. That worked as I have made so many new friends and it was because of that show I met J.

That breakup hurt. Maybe more than this one because of the unanswered questions etc (thankfully they've all been answered now) but to help me get over it and move on I made a 5 year plan. Because of my new health and finances I completed that in a year and a half only because I had to retake my driving test twice around 6 months apart due to them catching up from covid.

This time I am making a new one but I'm adding I want to be married by 35. When I look back on my life it's what I've always wanted but never felt I could until my health improved.

Tee was the only person I could see myself marrying realistically until things got to the worse point in the relationship and I didn't know if even the relationship was right and stupidity I stayed hoping we could find the people we was at the beginning again. Before I hurt tee and before I was drained of any sort of social battery or feeling desired and wanted. See people wandered why I "put up" with tee. It was never having to do that. Yes her bpd and insecurities and the drinking was hard and there was many times I feel she took me for granted but during those were good moments, fuck, she was amazing. She was sweet, funny, she was generous. When we had money she bought me like over £150 on my first birthday. but in the end she couldn't even get me a card for valentines, that year even though we would have to look around the house for change so I could buy some milk to take my meds with. I made the effort to save and hide around £5 so I could still get her a card and flowers and I thinka bag of giant whatsits 😅. It's not much but it was something. Anyway even when tee was down seeing her smile in her sleep cuddles up with tigger washed away any doubts and I would sleep feeling grateful to have her in my life. Even though she was a restless sleeper and tigger would wake up both up destroying the carpets to be let out.

Now that's gone. The good and the bad. I will always cherish them goodtimes before we moved into leconfield and I really hope I find someone I can build more memories like that.

Im sure I will, Im not the same guy feeling unwanted and panicking around that particular woman in my past tryingto cause shit and sleep with me, finances have never been better. I know for a fact the things that killed that life with tee will never happen again. Hence why was still hoping tee would have chosen me. Like Grey in the hallway doing the "choose me" speach. Yes I'm mad and hurt about her sleeping with that other guy and the fact she said shes getting "really close with him" she still doesn't realise me and her got together in exactly the same way. From me supporting her through the loss of her grandad (like he is for tigger), to the drunken one night stand, to then hanging out and sleeping together more, getting to know each other and laughing at dark jokes. Still with her saying shes not in the right headspace and doesn't want a relationship. It's what she's tell me now and probably what she's telling him too.

If he can see even half the amazing woman tee is he will just be waiting for an appropriate time to make it official with her.

So I want to find someone. I'm not wanting a relationship just yet but at least to date. So I can reach my 5 year goal. Tees said I could for a while so I think I should have listened to her instead of waiting to see if she wants to try again.

Recently I saw a tiktok of a guy that was doing one of these college chat up things and I saw one that caught my eye. We was asking if they was taking applications for a boyfriend and gave them a CV. I really liked that idea and have been making one myself. That's why I did the post asking what you would say to someone wanting to date me. Them answers are going in the "quotes' section 😅

I think im going to post the document on either my main part of the blog (the rest of the website) or as a link on my linktree. It's simply a document that gets all the important parts out the way. My goals, my values, who I am and what I'm looking for.

Simply anything that can be a deal breaker. Usually you get that stuff said in the talking stage but I'm on a timer and would rather establish these things before. Me getting hurt again because once I finally detach from tee I stay pretty loyal right from the talking stage. I'd hate to do all that to find we want different things or can't see eye to eye on bigger subjects.

Obviously I'll be using that stage to solidify in my head tee doesn't want to try again but would want me to be happy. So when I reach that point, I am not pursuing a relationship with someone secretly hoping for my ex to come back. It's not fair on anyone involved.

Now I don't know if I'll be ready tomorrow or in a year or two. But I can't wait for her anymore.

I still see a life with someone, the adventures we will take, the holidays in Europe, finding "our place" like Scarborough and Sheffield became for me and tee, going for the odd night out for fancy cocktails and a dance and making a scrapbook of our lives together. I started one for me and tee but it never got past designing the cover. I just want someone to build memories with because in the end that's all we have. When I eventually pass away I want that person, my friends and family, to have that one big sad moment of my passing to be drowned out by all the good times and they can still feel the love I try to return to you all.

Anyway I'm going to be doing a tiktok basically saying the same thing and using that as a way to advertise it. I may even do business cards with a link for when I do a cover shift at the bar.

I know everyone on my socials or they have CF. So you guys aren't really my target audience. Even though I know all of you are wonderful people. A lof of you are too yound and and I'm too disabled for a lot of you anyway 😅

Wish me luck and I hope when you see tee next she's happy, she deserved someone that didn't fuck up and make her feel the way she did. I have to live with that the rest of my life, but with it nearly being 3 years ago I need to learn to forgive myself.

I deserves happiness too.

Take care everyone x