Self love

Hi I'm still taking a break from my socials but I feel I've reached a point were people may be concerned for my safety if I just disappeared. This is what I've been thinking about and what I aim to do in my absence.

I have thought about this a lot and have secretly battled this from a young age but I have never told a sole, until now.

I feel like I've never loved myself. That's why I have this need to be desired and have accepted physical relationships with women I don't find sexually attractive. Tee and J being the exception. I found this to be the case with everything I do in the bedroom. This is very awkward for me as this is the only aspect of my life I don't share. I don't feel desirable. So I compensated with my performance in the bedroom. Unfortunately with tee I gave up for numerous reasons that aren't my business to share. I just didn't feel wanted. Like it was a chore. So my usual activity dwindled and become cold for me personally and like a chore for tee. There were moments of having an amazing love life, times were it felt beyond the physical act and in those moments I felt we truly connected. But they were few and far between.

This has been my biggest weakness. The side of me I truly hated. I thought if tee chose me we could have worked on that and her choice would have been confirmation that I was actually wanted. Hence the breakdown I had when she had chosen to sleep with the other guy repeatedly and not even want to see me. It hurts and I'm trying not to take it as confirmation that I am not desirable.

But this ultimately is my lack of self love and poor self esteem. Right back to being in school. I never told the one girl I had a crush on I liked her and why I tried too hard with the girl that I did date in school because she liked me.

This is why I also accepted the toxic thing I had with the girl I mentioned in the past. I never saw that as abuse/ immortal thing until I told someone thinking it wasn't a big deal until they asked how I would feel if the genders were switched.

I'm going to really look into how to change and I know it must start with cutting out the women that have already started to bring that out in me since tee left. Although I was never intimate with anyone I liked being desired but I don't find these women attractive and I feel like I deserve someone I find truly beautiful.

I thought things might change going on naked attraction so that others can feel sexy if they belived I felt attractive too.

The research I have done so far shows I already do 90% of what is meant to help build self love but it just doesn't seem to help. Like I was born in white room and I'm studying colours. I know all the background and have perhaps done work on it myself but I still can't truly experience colours. If that makes sense.

Another thing I am weary about is being a more sexual person externally. I have a high sex drive but I mean things like thirst traps etc. Not seeking validation from others per say but I would like to look at myself and actually like what I see and maybe feel sexy and desirable.

I may find a photographer for a photo shoot but I'm not sure.

If anyone has any advice or things I can look into that would be amazing. I feel it's a big advantage that so many of my close friends are women as I feel many of you have got or have gone through similar feelings and have had their own healthy and unhealthy ways of dealing with it.

Thanks for reading this.