We lost ourselves

Me and tee spoke yesterday and we both learned a lot. Typical of me and tee we didn't communicate our feelings and what the situation was from our side.

I was struggling for a long time because of money etc and lost myself. People saw that and suspended it was the relationship. Tee thought that too. Only to have it confirmed in her head that I said I wasn't happy. I failed to say I was only unhappy because I had chosen a ring and felt like we couldn't afford a relationship. I felt like we were friends that shared a bed. I couldn't give her the emotional support she needed and on top of that, I couldn't afford to supplement that with acts of love or little gifts. She not a material person but we couldn't spend time together because of work hours, and I couldn't give her the emotional care, I just wanted to do little things but it crushed me I couldn't even afford that.

To make it worse to solidify that I was happier that she left my weight flew up and I had more energy. People said I was more like myself. That only because me and tee worked our asses off to sort out our money problems and this month was the first month I may have had money to date her or buy her that ring.

Obviously from tees perspective she saw me doing better so was open to meeting new people which she did. And the timing of me having solved our financial problems looked like I only wanted her when I had lost her.

Even when she left I was doing ok because I thought we was getting back together. Then I saw her moving on and it broke me. She wasn't moving on but that's how I saw it. So I told her about me always wanting to marry her one day but I had to wait until I was myself and knew we could get through the bad times. I didn't care about what she did when she was single but I reacted badly when I got the news about her progress with someone else. In less than a week it I thought we went from us trying again in the future to her being with someone else.

I think this all seem clear to me but I know I can never make tee see my perspective and just felt like I didn't want to spend my life with her until she had gone. Thats the one thing I have never been able to do and it's what I have always wanted.

I will always regret not buying that ring before we moved in together. But even that would have been crazy and it was a risk I wasn't willing to take when it comes to spending my life with someone. I wanted to see what we was like living together and then get through a big argument. We was just unfortunate enough for us to find the landlord from hell and I lost myself because of that. Tee then lost herself trying to keep me. It's not fair on either of us. If I never had the money issues I wanted to propose by our second anniversary but I never had the chance and it's my fault for not communicating with tee that was my intention. Now she feels we can't be together at risk of losing herself again and me not showing her about my intentions before the it got to this point. I know we will always have love for each other but I have to respect her decision. My only regret is moving into that hellhole. I hope the person she finds next will never fail to show her the love she needs.

Now im not a poet but I wrote this. Please don't cringe too hard 😅

We are vicims of our worthlessness, of not giving or being enough. Like our hearts are too far gone. Broken and too rough.

I felt I couldn't give you what you need and blamed myself it's true, and you felt like it was your doing and blamed yourself too.

As my shame and struggls killed the man I am, you killed yourself to try to bring me back.

Not seeing through my sham.

We were just lost. Both of us looking for the other in the darkness. Just hoping to find each other, but neither of our light was strong enough to use or for us to harness.

Maybe things could have been different if I didn't lose myself first. I had always found your light so easily though the poison of your minds incurable curse.

I know as time goes on that love will still exist. As a warm place in ourselves that protect us when things get bad, a love that always will be missed.

I hope she knows that she was worth the love she never got. A love unconditional. If she gave a little or a lot.

But now we each have our battles to face to find our light. I just wish we never had that thought the other lost their fight.

Maybe one day we'll find each other our lights bright and new. And we can smile at what we had, a love that seemed broken but oh so true.