Getting old (TW)

Yesterday I made a startling realisation. In 18 months I will be 30, and its awoken a strange mix of feelings and emotions.

I know its probably best talking to someone about it or seeking professional help this blog was initially designed for this purpose, plus it's hard talking about my death with my loved ones that still think im like a excitable puppy 100% of the time... Im probably closer to 75-80% really haha

Thankfully whilst some of my thought's and feelings are dark and upsetting I still feel deep down I still have my trademark positive attitude/ dim-witted demeanor that could be accountable for my love of dad jokes and my almost habitual use of "thats what he/she/they said" and now "title of your sextape" *

*Theres a saying along these lines that I like. According to google its "It's easy to mistake stupidity for bravery . The results are often the same, or at least similar. But bravery is knowing what you're up against, and yet going in to a difficult and dangerous situation anyway. Stupidity is going in with your eyes closed, not knowing or maybe not caring what the consequences could be."

I think my only saving grace of actually having a braincell is that have spent years analysing, weighing up and compromising on my difficulties I have due to CF. Its only that I understand that things aren't going to be perfect, that I can accept them and be my normal goofy self.... not that it stops my trying my hardest to get as close to perfection as I can in the time I have left.

So 30 is close and to be totally upfront I know theres a chance I don't have long left. A very slim chance if I have anything to do about it!

So, to save me having a full blown midlife crisis im going to rant on here about it.

For a long long time ive felt kinda numb deep down, life is pretty pointless but that doesn't mean its a bad thing, Ive often felt lost like im not quite home. Its not really bothered me. If you're not feeling anything a great deal why not choose happiness, that mixed with my laid back attitude makes it pretty easy for genuine happiness to form. Also praying at night helps me think/hope there is greater meaning and that there maybe someone or something guiding us along. Be it fate, or the holy spirt, regardless which it is I owe them everything for my life and experiences ive had in my life.

Now the end might be getting close I need to think what I want to do and if its achievable realistically. Again never know how long we have, especially because theres a apparently a LOT of exciting treatments and therapies coming out in the next 5-10 years.

There's a lot of things I'd like to do with my life, places I want to visit, people I want yo meet and experiences that would mean the world to me. As some people know I can be very logical with my expectations but I love thinking about and planning out these what ifs. For example I know Id probably never own my speakeasy library but slow dancing in the rain, on a roof in paris is something I can afford to at a whim. Driving to Italy will be something I can realistically do next year.

Even bigger things are looking more possible. Like the cure for Diabetes and CF. Heading to 22 fell really short of their goal but the money they have raised so far is enough to continue with the testing and see results in my lifetime. As for CF even if its not a cure my CF are very excited about the next 5 years or so. Last time they was this hyped was when trikafta came out, which has changed so many lives already. I was very proud when the local news asked me specifically to speak up and advocate for the drug to be put on the NHS and distributed across the Uk and Ireland.

I guess to put a point on everything, instead of rambling even longer, right now im feeling a little lost and genuinely a bit scared but on top of that im still wondering what if everything turns out ok. What if taking that risk was worth more than I could have imagined. (Im currently bar staff, which at face value is pretty crap. But im being trained to own a bar or pub so should I find out in 5-6 I have the experience and money to open a small bar, ill be ready)

I just want to say to anyone reading this, I know how hard it can be to take risks, especially when there's seeming easier options and your brain is telling you "What if it all fails or its not what I expect?" but when you have these "what ifs" that bring your life closer to your dreams then sometimes its worth taking the leap... or at least plan on how your gunna land haha.

With any luck in 10 years and 18 months time I'll be writing a post from the laptop in my speakeasy about to go home to my wife laughing at how good it was 10 years ago when I first drove to Italy... and probably still freaking out im actually 40 💛