Happy fathers day

This is a pretty tough one to write to be honest. So im going to apologise now for the sloppy grammar etc.

Anyway the last few days we haven't spoken to my dad. I have never gone into detail about the situation because while im happy sharing anything about myself when it comes to other's I try and keep things vague.

To cut a very long story short since my parents separated me and Alex have been supporting my dad. Through his downs and outbursts. Alex has been the spokesman for us because I felt to add on would make our dad get even more defensive and isolated then he already was. So I would try to make sure Alex was supported the best I could. Its draining for anyone.

Well after yet another breakdown my dad has decided we (mostly Alex) has been secretly against him this whole time. Doing the same thing my friends and exs have been doing for ages. Things like taking half truths or miscommunications as "evidence" to support their deluded ideas and arguments. Like the girl that said I had ghosted her because I "got bored" when in reality I was looking after my dad. She and what a lot of people I support do including my dad is the equivalent of adding 2+2 and getting 6. Yes the four points you have might be either true or reasonable to think but the other 2 points are completely devoid of reason or logic. Like Tee would sometimes think I secretly fancied our friends because I was nice and wanted to see them. Yes I wanted to see my friends. She was right. But because they was my friends. Thats it. Now my dad has got these fucked up ideas my mum is dating people. She hasn't and isn't. He thinks we're all on her side. We're not, we have selfishly been thrown into supporting both parents and trying to navigate a way to do that equally. Like she said he needs to get help. We've all said that but he's a brick wall. She's right but even though she works in mental health she worded it like there a button he's refusing to press and if he does then he'll be fixed. She's right he does need to wake up and accept help but she should know its not a overnight fix. Thats why we have been supporting him. Spending 4-5 evenings a week at his house or going to pool etc.

Thats the other thing despite all these sacrifices we have been making putting our lives on hold. He has shown not just no gratitude but is now throwing it back in our faces. Making stupid claims like we're only there because our mum isn't free and other bullocks like that. No we're there because we're trying to support him. And right now he's too stubborn or too far gone to see any of that.

Ive been trying to see people as much as I can like working shifts at surf, taking my friend Lillie to see the Weeknd in concert, going to Spain with my friend Becca or going for Monday night drinks with the group. Its my attempt to keep myself grounded. Making sure my life isn't just evolving around him. Ive always said I will only have a short life, and recently I spoke about my dating life. But honestly with me supporting my dad I don't have time for that with work etc. I don't have time for the gym. My social battery is low. Like living with tee I had no alone time. Even when she was in the bath I had to sit with her. In hindsight I didn't mind. I knew she meant well and it wasn't unreasonable for her to want to spend as much time with me as she could when neither of us were out working.

I kinda wish there was a way of reaching that stage straight away with a potential partner. Living together would be so much easier than planning dates and sorting calendars and organising a free house so we can relax to ourselves.

But anyway im already getting off subject. I have too many thoughts going through my head to write anything coherently right now so im going to keep it short.

I hope if my dad ever sees this I hope one day you will get the help you need and he the man I remember. Not the one that you have become over the last 20-25 years. Watching you slowly get more bitter and angry. Less violent yes but still just has aggressive or sharp with your words. I will share one thing on here that I didn't want to share with anyone, its the reason I deleted the short paragraphs of you guys from my book. Growing up I saw your relationship with my mum and vowed not to be in a relationship like that. The constant walking on eggshells. I never knew you to compliment her for no reason, yet we would always have to say how amazing the food was. She got the point she would assume you was moaning or in a mood about something and it would be alex that would have to tell her she was in the wrong. Again I could go on but that's too personal and I already feel I have crossed a personal line with what I've just wrote.

I will say I do remember you being funny, we would do silly dances in the street. You would train me in basketball and football to the point I was a pretty good basketball player at like 7. Or music. You had a great taste in music and trivia and you was the reason that when I moved schools I was pretty much teachers pet because we was studying the Beatles in history and I knew all their real names and could name more of their songs than the teacher. You was active. You played tennis over the 3 story house and football. You had friends. Over through your bitterness you lost off of that. But ultimately that's not you. You have been twisted by your depression and anxiety. But that old you is still in there. Ruby would have loved that version of you more than she does now. I do feel sad that by the time Ruby was a baby you was already a shell of who you once was. I really hope I see that version of you again some day because right now they way you're going you're going to die alone. Pushing everyone away because of your shame and arrogance not to think you need help.

I know it's hard. People like Tee, Alice and Becca have shown me how fucked up and difficult it is to get help. I guess why I care for them so much is the same reason I care for you. I didn't want them to fall into the same thing you have. I have said I don't want a relationship with Tee but I will always want her to feel not just happy but loved. To have self love too. She deserves happiness and I couldn't bare to see any of my friends lose who they are because they don't have the support. I guess the only difference is they still reach out after they have pushed me away. Tee with the guy she slept with, Alice just cutting me from her life after all the support I gave her. They have at least apologised and while sometimes they don't seem to show any actual remorse I hope they see the damage they have done.

Things won't be the same going forward. With my dad or them. But if he ever truly wants to make that change we will be there for you.

Finally for anyone that I've spent time with recently, if you're an ex I have done favours for, a friend who needed some company or a TV picking up, or a friend that I've shared a few drinks with. Hell if you work at surf, thank you all. While none of you knew it you've helped keep me sane over the last 8 months. Even being something to take my mind off even for an hour. It means a lot. Thank again.

Goodnight guys. Take care x